“If there’s a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I’ve already won that” are the opening lines to one of my favorite songs from, yes, another Disney movie. This time it’s Hercules. The song is called I Won’t Say I’m In Love though I’m not sure that I carried the title in the meaning of this drawing.
It’s about feeling like I’ve made the wrong calls in the past, basically regret. How that carried baggage rots you from the inside out. How it’s easier to make bad decisions over and over again because you’re already in the habit of making them. It kind of reflects through your complexion in a way, something you can see in the mirror. Harder to hear the guiding words that once used to move you, now drifting away. The funny part of it all is that the thing you do it all for is actually not worthwhile. This easy-way-out approach only gets you the grossest things. That look of disdain and longing is actually a look inward. Why have we made this our reality? That I guess is different for everyone, every person’s story is so unique.
Now, it’s easy to get stuck in your own head. In these loops of self criticism, we have to realize that we are the only people that can save ourselves. Only you know yourself.
Something my therapist told me rings with me in these moments. Sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish between anxiety and excitement. Maybe I am just in love and excited about my life. Voices tell me that I don’t want to be here but I’m starting to believe that’s just old hat. Nothing to be regarded as stressful, more something to reinterpret. I don’t know if that made sense.
Won’t Say I’m In Love continues and says, “Girl you can’t deny it, Who you are and how you’re feeling”. Maybe I’m just excited? Maybe it hasn’t been rotten judgment but rather the dirty work. Maybe the so-called sickness is just growth and change. As weird as it feels. I like the ring of that. It’s hard to remember sometimes that we’re all just people trying to survive in our own way. We need to have more sympathy for our mistakes. Better yet, we need to realize that we are all learning ourselves and it’s a process. We need to be able to try things out and fail in order to find out what works. Maybe self-realization and actualization are the prizes Meg was talking about in the movie though she may not have known it at the time. She was so ahead of her time.